Boring Contemplations of the Stereotypical Graduate

I feel so very out of my element today.

Pathos takes over.

Here are the expected and boring contemplations of a stereotypical soon-to-be college graduate.

It isn’t just the topic of discussion in the honors commons which is working to list for Tom all of the movies he needs to see. I added two or three to the list but mostly weakly, un-profoundly echoed the insights of others. Clearly my expertise is elsewhere.

Today, I am like Galinda in that I am confused about how I feel but radically different from her in that I am sure my current emotions are not rooted in a hatred for another being. Just a case of lost-ness. perhaps.

Today is the last day of legitimate classes. From now until May 16^th I have one last day of work, a few easy response papers and a handful of final exams. Following the completion of these I will walk with hundreds of other to symbolize the completion of an expensive experiment: Can She Learn?

The following transition into “real life” seems like it will be relatively easy. I’ve been “ready” for it since February. But now… today…  I falter. Ready? I’m so unimpressed with myself while so impressed with the expectations.

Coaching. Shit!

Epic failure. An emotional post so be it.

Coaching sucks. Like, this shit is really hard. I had an allergy attack (didn’t even know I had seasonal allergies) the moment the practice round started. My note taking was blurry. I missed one of the time knocks. And my note taking is shit for judging because I write like I am in the debate round.

Amidst the blurry eyes and stuffy sinuses, I was so proud of Korey for making a great whip speech with what government was able to put together on the motion:

THW allow people serving lifetime prison sentences to choose the death penalty.

He did a great job. I almost cried because I realized that though the debate wasn’t great all of these debaters will only get better over the next year. THAT is exciting… and scary. Such powerful people. Awe-some. Plus, Imma miss debating with him so much. Imma miss debating at all.

But coaching is shit hard. I had never even thought of the politics of co-coaching. What happens when several people have a say on guiding a student? God dammit. And what do I say to a student when they start defending what they said in the round after adjudication? I’m pretty fucking flawed so maybe I did hear it wrong? What if I can’t get respect? What if students don’t look up to me, don’t trust me? What if I have to resort to a higher-up to verify me? Fuck.

I did listen very differently to what Steve and Jaime were pointing out. They did a good job of (Jaime) reminding debaters that the debate is about reality on the ground and (Steve) the problems in the speeches are more than just the details. Steve did a good job of talking about general debate cases and rebuttal so that you can take his coaching with you no matter the round.

paper to write. stupid fears. I own them. Not the other way around.

The most empowered have got to be the ones who believe themselves (with open hearts and self awareness) to have great potential. I’m getting there. maybe.

The End of the Public Debate Series

The last public debate of the semester went down tonight in the Honors Commons at St. John’s University.  It was a good go. There is little doubt that I have learned from this whole process.

So here were the motions:

February 3rd: This House Believes that the West is responsible for Haiti’s condition.

March 3rd: This House Believes That the core curriculum should not be a college graduation requirement.

April 7th: This House Would refuse Obama’s nuclear power plant proposal.

—–

I debated in each of the public debates which was fun but not the hardest part. The orchestration was, in a way, enjoyable, like a blast from the past. Some of my teachers who knew me first as a Finance major still say that I have a head for business… well ok, there’s only one but he says it every chance he gets. I enjoy the hoops and running through them. Perhaps I like the sense of accomplishment each step of the way. Not in a million years could I claim that I am good at marketing because in all this time I did not once use facebook effectively. Additionally, it seemed as though those I personally petitioned to be audience members were less apt to show up. Something isn’t quite skillful yet. Give it time and we shall see.

The epic meetings before the debates were the hardest. Brainstorming was the name and trying to wade through unpolished ideas was the game. As odd as is sounds… the bulk of the debate was mapped out beforehand each time. This fits well with the purpose of these public debates: We aim(ed) to discuss a controversial topic of interest to the student body and to do so publicly to spark more campus discussion. Because that was the goal, it was exceptionally important that the clash was of high quality. We (myself and the devoted debaters/coaches who could show up) spent time mapping out both sides of the debate and then what each speaker would basically cover so that the major issues could come out to play. Challenging task. I held chalk in my hand feeling pelted… like there were too many things to be written on the board… too many abstract things coming from capable mouthes that needed advocacy in sensible fashion. Find it, Alia! fit the pieces together and get the answer! Thank God so many people helped me out.

There was some coaching and setting up to do the day of the debate. New people probably needed help and encouragement because the nerves get bad. And others probably just needed an ear or encouragement to practice their args. Still more (one in particular) I gotta practice letting go cuz they know how to play this game probably better than me and the paternalism would just stifle.

Always to prepare my own speech. Sadly, I cannot say that any speech I gave in these rounds was brilliant. I know what Alia looks like when she’s brilliant. It’s lovely. But that never came across (debate skill wise). Perhaps I was too bogged down with the mechanics. Improvement might be made on that.

Somethings I would do in the future (AKA – Anyone interested in taking on this task next year… listen up!)

-          Utilize Facebook. Things aren’t legitimately student run (or don’t seem so) unless it’s on facebook. And considering that the goal was to impact students… things look more exciting if students are gettin’ ‘em done.

-          Plan ahead. Brainstorming should be a week before the debate so that things can sink in and all of those involved can research in time.

-          Be kinder. Your stress does not justify snapping. (so sorry for doing that to people! Especially Korey and George!)

-          Take a motion that has already been done before and watch a quality round on it. This will help you figure out clash.

-          Market your heart out! Pass stuff on to all of your profs and leave papers in all of your classes. Put it up in the bathrooms… make sure that St. John’s knows that important matters are going to be talked about seriously… and that they wanna be there when it all goes down.

-          If you are going to debate in the round then make sure that you think of your speech holistically. What we do is an art. Don’t forget that.

-          I don’t know why but using the listserve doesn’t illicit good responses… neither in number nor in quality. Many say that they don’t get all of the e-mails which means there is something wrong with the software but meetings tended to be the best way to get feedback and sign ups.

-          Get Profs Involved! In the audience, they can give floor speeches that educate everybody on the matter and if you pair them with debaters then … well that would just be cool.

In the end: I am very happy that I did this. A billion thanks to the debaters and Earth club members who helped me. A trillion thanks to Steve, Jaime, Douglas and Alana who I knew were always at my back should the wind knock me on my ass. Without those two components the debates would not have been at all successful. I am so very, very thankful to ya’ll!

Coaching is fuckin’ hard but what a great test drive on parts of the job. So far I think it might fit well for at least a time.

An Issue of Assets and Strength

I just found my umpteenth bug bite (left shoulder). Honestly, I not sure where they are coming from but I wanna get rid of them… the bugs and the bites. Vengeance, I desire.

Onto more news! A week ago I was accepted to Syracuse Graduate School which is great! I filed my FAFSA – this was an amazing process because I am now deemed Independent… anyone who knows me even a bit understands how badly I wanted this. Priceless recognition for my soul and my adulthood.

Now the unpleasant part:  FAFSA filed and returned to me… It doesn’t look like I will be able to afford it all just yet. There are limits to the federal loans and such rules now limit my decisions considering the high cost of my undergrad.

There is still a chance that I may be offered a large enough package from Syracuse that I can make things work. But I don’t know how much they have to play with considering the economy. Now is the time to wait.

The decision is probably going to be made for me. And in that case, I will… I would say “roll with the punches” but that’s too passive a status so instead I’ll… work. Plain. Simple. But I’m young so working in New York City is going to be exciting because that is the nature of the three variables present. I must hone my applications and present them with more fervor next late fall. It is a curious thing to have lacked that this go around and I chalk it up to fear of rejection. That being said… this time around I wasn’t rejected and with more effort I will find more success next application period. Also, test practice can open up doors to other schools I wasn’t qualified for and … it will all be fine.

Although I admit there is a small voice nagging me. It tells me that I’ve little time as a woman to get through all of this education. Someday I want to settle down and have a family – a partner, a dog and a baby or two. But what if that all falls into place before I’m done? My mom dropped out and never got back in after having kids. And I fear that my story may be the same… though I’ll at least have a bachelors under my belt. But like I said, the decision will probably be made for me and I still have so much time.

Little Voice and all your nagging friends, be gone! I am a capable woman with dreams that won’t be dashed by a year of non academic work.I have the undying support of a loving boyfriend and mentors who care. There is much to be learned. So much to be explored. I’ll be ready.