A Reflective Moment in Roch. before Syrc. App

This is the try-again. I’m planning to have my Syracuse Grad School application done in the next week. It shouldn’t take too much work. In preparation, I need to sit down and reflect upon my personal statement. Clearly, I am a different person now with only possibly more defined academic goals.

So let’s review:

Coaching.

Overall, I’m fairly unimpressed with myself. I induce too many bolded periods and too few italicized question marks.

I appreciate more than ever the engaging environments that helped wake me to myself and my environment. Those teachers who protected the spaces from themselves and other cultural elements that would require of us premature finalities did so masterfully. They have explored so much more than I and somehow they seemed to so naturally clear the space for each willing student who needed to express a question – so many were awkward and uninformed (Oh! Had we only done the actual reading you gave us that day… maybe that question might have had more bulk to it!). How frustrating. But my mentors parried and reflected question after question. Wise, these ones were. They gave me the tools to dislodge myself from comfort so that I was beside myself with uncertainty – the productive kind that drives you to risk because you seek knowledge. My teachers were so effective in burning my forest that I am still frantically trying to replant it – thank Goddesses for the rich soil that is the remnants of what was.

So this process is what I want for the students I come into contact with. I have felt frustrated that much of my time with novice debaters is focused on explanation of format. It is a banking system of who knows the rules and can mimic them. Is this how I learned the format? I feel unpersuasive when I describe alternative critical arguments probably because I feel as though the pounds and pounds of paper in the Policy files would educate them better than I could. I am less instrumental than I idealized. But even then… Steve, Jaime and Jeremiah always introduced these critical arguments first with critical questions. Every night (pre-practice) I promise myself that there will be more questions and every night (post-practice) I realize that I was caught up in the moment; I was blind to the kairos. This leads me to believe that I have fundamentally positioned myself incorrectly. If I were truly a student now then I would look more like the student I was in the classroom: always raising her hand and asking … or did I ask less I asserted… but isn’t that the role of the classroom – a lab to test ideas? The bottom line is that I’m not the coach I want to be.

This experience has potentially helped me ground some of my questions a little bit better. Or maybe it’s just confused them.

Policy.

I have mentally written countless notes on my memory about Policy. “Huh, Alia, you should explore this idea later.” My experience at West Point was epic. In no way do I feel ready to be judging any sort of round in this format. The jargon is unfamiliar and the rules and diversity of paradigms are alien upon alien. I am angry that some of the debating resembles tattletaling, “But judge! They aren’t topical! And that’s bad for education.” I’m uncomfortable with the violence that happens when authors are forced to affirm or deny claims. My inability to listen closely, flow accurately and simultaneously check each card’s contents against the debater’s claims left me trusting students who may have very well been knowingly engaging in super tagging. I probably unwittingly rewarded this behavior with undeserved Wins. I hate that the competitive culture is encouraging what feels like soul crushing. I felt crushed. I felt stupid and weak, like I don’t belong and never could.

Now, that’s an extreme reaction, I know. Buddy Khan helped me consider that Ken probably doesn’t have the expectations that I will master this format anytime soon. And I realized that the standard to which I was probably holding myself is one I would not want to encourage another novice of the format to use for themselves.  In my hotel room that first night I sat alone, trying to relax. I practiced kindness… to myself. (that last sentence seems odd to me but I can think of no other way that I would like to put it.)

On the ride home I discovered some of the learning that is Policy. Then I was free to ask questions about other school’s preformative arguments and ideas in general. Buddy, Vijay, Ben, Alyssa… all people I learned from. There is something very beautiful in Policy’s ability to reflect upon itself and critique all of the faucets I listed above. The ballot can be made to mean something. It’s a transformation so skillfully done! And I’ve never seen it done in Worlds quite the same way. This format gives one space to argue from your unique positionality with quality personal narratives that are taboo in Worlds. I shed at least one tear while watching just one of these kinds of speeches at the Bronx high school tournament a few weeks ago.

In spite of my anger and confusion, I am intrigued by my new mistress. We shall learn to know each other well, me thinks.